Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
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also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
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Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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