i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
