I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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