I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
