who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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