the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.