im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver