I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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