In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
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I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
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I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana