i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him