I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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