Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
