I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
