Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
