remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
