Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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