If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
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Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
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The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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