He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
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my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
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I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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