Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
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did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
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I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
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