Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
there's paper in my vomit.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
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just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
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He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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