god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello