My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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