bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
