Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
