hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?