3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
50% drunk capacity currently
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.