Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
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I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.