As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
