My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize