Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
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he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
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As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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