I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
The ass gains better be worth it
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