matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
