i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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