im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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