That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
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A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.