Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"