woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
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He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
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Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.