apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.