shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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