If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
