Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
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Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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