at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
