The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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