the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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