Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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