she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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