You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
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Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
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We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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