Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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