Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
