Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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