sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that