I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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