if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.