U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?