i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.