I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.