he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.