he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
