Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize