There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
